I am a firm believer of being in a state of change and growth. Throughout our lives we find ourselves again and again in new ways. I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling kind of down and lost. Life has been throwing curve balls at me, left and right. Nothing life threatening or that puts me in immediate danger, but a lot of inconveniences, and emotional turmoil. Getting through each day can be hard. I drown myself in the mess of my mind. I wonder why I’m here, why I feel so under-accomplished, and how do I get myself out of this rabbit hole?
I’m reminding myself what it’s like to spend time with myself. I’m trying harder to utilize free time to learn more skills, work on my health (mental and physical), and be creative. However, it’s not as easy or idealistic as I’d hope. There’s still a sense of feeling unproductive, like I’m wasting my time and life away. There are moments I get stuck in the feeling of being stuck, and there goes a whole day, or even week. I often worry that I’ll get sucked into the abyss of self doubt and never find my way out. So I have to force myself a little each week. Do something ‘productive.’ Get your butt to the gym or a yoga class. Hang out with friends or family. Experience a bit of normalcy.
However, biggest positive in this depressive funk is remembering my hobbies and interests. If I never have anything, I’ll always have myself. So it’s important to feed the parts of myself that can always thrive when I feel alone. It’s writing, reading, and all things geeky.
I finally dedicated time to watching some anime series I’ve put off for years. I forgot how much I love the online anime community and the general excitement it instills in me. It makes me want to read more manga (to stay up to date on story arcs), get back into conventions/cosplay, and appreciate the writing behind the stories.
I think as we grow older, most social circles get smaller. A lot of my peers aren’t necessarily looking to make new friends. However, I am. I want an expanded circle of friends. I want to be around more people who love the things I love, people who I can talk to and geek out about things my other friends may not quite understand. However, that requires ‘putting oneself out there’ – my eternal struggle.