My relatively good mood and positive attitude for this year has hit its first bump in the road. A bit of drama and a emotional blast from the past have made the past few days hard on my mental space.
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I spent a majority of last year struggling with emotional and mental distress. A mix of heart break, and a constant feeling of low self esteem and lack of direction in the personal and professional aspects of my life consumed me. Instead of working through those raw emotions, I focused on trying to continue living my life as I always had. I think on the surface everything seemed alright, and there were days I almost believed it too.
My version of therapy has always been through writing (although now I’m do it more out of enjoyment rather than necessity!) and I skimmed last year’s journals and word documents of poetry, and prose, and emotional expression. The feelings inside are all the same. There’s a sense of depression throughout, a mix of longing and resentment for someone, and a hint of self deprecation.
Throughout most of the year I felt as though I was being held hostage by my own thoughts. I’d start thinking one negative though and lose myself in a spiral of others. Suddenly I’d be in a crappy mood and not want to participate in life for rest of the day and sometimes days following. I’d go through the motions of work, errands, the gym, hanging out with friends to help distract me. But there were many days that I didn’t want or allow myself to be with other people.
I didn’t feel like there was anyone I could talk to, partly because I felt like no one would understand or I’d be met with judgement. But also, I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about anything because I feared that level of vulnerability. So instead I often chose to be alone, because I wanted to sulk in my own thoughts and sadness. But then I think too much and recognize what I’m doing and I realize I’m the worst company. I didn’t want to be around anyone, and I didn’t want to be with myself. It didn’t matter where I physically was because my mind was always somewhere else.
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So what’s a girl to do?
I want to deal with my feelings head on
I want to let go of what hurt me then
and what still hurts me now
but I’m still trying to figure out how